a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize