i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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