He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
