I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
