im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
