it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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