saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
