plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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