when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize