You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
