ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
