I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Found your dick twin last night
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Oh god it's open bar.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
