i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize