i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
