i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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