You can't motorboat a personality
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
