i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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