the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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