its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize