She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
