My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
We have so much sex to catch up on
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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