I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
