Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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