I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
