just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
