I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
