I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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