she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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