Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
