I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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