I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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