last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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