I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
