My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
