yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
