I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
