FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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