i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
