If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
He has the fingertips of a God
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
