soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
