you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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