Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I would ride that face into the sunset
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
