dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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