I need help removing her.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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