just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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