Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
my poor anus
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
