I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
