Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
