he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
