Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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