I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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