i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
