Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
