So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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