At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
