Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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