Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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