My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
